no, i'm not sorry

I think it's weird. I got my toe slammed under a door by a drunken fool(ette) [henceforth referred to as ms. alcoholic, or simply just alcoholic], and apparently, I'm not the victim; she is. I sat in the hospital for doctors to tell me what I already knew, and I've been limping for just over a week. I'm JUST now starting to look like a normal person, when it comes to walking. I've been the one that has to wear flip-flops everywhere because wearing closed-toe shoes hurt to wear (although I wore them today, and it went pretty well, yay!).

Today, I came back from my classes and began talking to my dad on the phone. Ms. Alcoholic comes in and waves a paper around, saying "Did you do this???" I mean, come on. First of all, I have no clue what the hell it is she has in her hand and second of all, I was on the phone. It was pretty apparent that I wasn't just sitting there listening to voicemail or anything, since, silly me, I was talking to somebody (my daddy).

Anyways, after I'm finished talking to my dad, I go in to see what she was talking about. This sole piece of paper was a letter from our dorm's hall coordinator, telling her that she has been charged with one act of "self-destructive behavior". Now, don't let the name fool you. The Resident Hall Guidebook and the Policies and Regulations Affecting Students says the following:

Maintain a Safe Environment
Residence halls are adult living environments where stuents receive limited supervision. Each resident is expected to do his or her part to help create a positive resident hall environment. Any action which jeopardizes the safety of other students [...] or committing acts of vadalism with lead to unsafe conditions will not be tolerated.



H'Okay, so first, some background. I can't remember whether I included this in my other toe-post or not. After dressing my toe with the help of a friend, I was limping down the hall to go to the bathroom before bed. My body had gone into mild shock, and I started crying to calm myself down. My RA's room is pretty close to the bathroom, and as I was nearing the bathroom, her boyfriend saw me crying, and asked whether I was okay. Telling the truth, I said something along the lines of "not really, my toenail's just been ripped up off of my toe."

Upon hearing this, my RA comes out of her room to see what's going on and whether I'm okay. As I said, I wasn't okay, and I told her so. She blatantly asked what happened, and I told her the truth, saying that Ms. Alcoholic had been drunk and slammed my toe under the door. I also told her (my RA) that I didn't hold it against the alcoholic because this level of drunkenness happens on a very regular basis.

So, my RA reported the alcoholic, I guess. I'm not going to lie, I'm not pissed. I'm happy she's doing her job. However, it wasn't until today that I realized how my relationship with a couple people on this floor actually are. Explanation is as follows:


Ms. Alcoholic's best friend:
So, the best friend is really cool. She and I had a couple classes together last semester, and we got along amazingly. This semester, we've got a couple of classes together again. However, she and Ms. Alcoholic have pretty much all of their classes together. So, the best friend's spending a lot of time with the alcoholic. A week or two into the semester, the best friend and ms. alcoholic started going out and drinking together. At this point in the semester, it's as if one of them cannot drink without the other one there.

When the best friend's with me and not with the alcoholic, then we get along just fine, and she's super nice to me. It's weird, but she seems to care... until they're together. If you're reading my blog and you're a guy, I'm sorry, but I don't know whether you'll understand the analogy I'm about to make.

Remember back in middle school in high school when there were a bunch of drama queens/preps? Some were mean all the time, and you couldn't do anything about it. However, there were a few that were really nice when they didn't have a posse with them. Get their posse together, though, and it was as though the prep was bipolar: nice when alone, a superbitch when around her friends. And on top of that, the nice ones weren't usually on top. Usually, when they were around those who I considered to be the "mean ones," they followed said queen bitch around like puppy dog servants, doing whatever it was they were told to do.

This is what the best friend reminds me of right now... middle and high school bipolar bitches. And this time around, I've been the mature one. I haven't bitched anybody out. Instead, I've sat there and taken it, kind of like I always have. The best friend is the puppy dog servant, following queen alcoholic around in her bitchy footsteps.



Queen Alcoholic
Silly me, I thought she actually liked me. Silly me, I thought that maybe I had made a friend. Silly me, I thought things were going to change going into college.

At the beginning of the year, we'd talk and gossip about our lives and whatnot. I've told some secrets, and she's shared some in return. At this point, it seemed real. Go figure, it wasn't.

Relating this back to high school, I'm the geek who just wants to be recognized. I just want to be liked by "the popular kids."

Leading up to today, I've kind of had the suspicion that I've been what I've decided to define as a "convenience friend." I'm only friends with the alcoholic when it's convenient for her. I'm pretty much just a source of homework help. I've been invited to go out with her once, and that's only because earlier that night, I had been hanging out with a mutual friend of ours (this one's actually a friend though...). I'm pretty sure I was only invited so that the mutual friend would be able to come, too.

It wasn't until today that I realized that I am just a convenience friend. Sure, I've hung out in her room a lot, but silly me, I thought she liked me and didn't mind. She's the kind of person who says what she feels, so I got the impression that if she wanted me to leave, she'd tell me. I'm not going to lie, I've used her as a resource for homework help. But, I tried to make it so that homework wasn't the only thing I was going to her for. I'm not perfect, nobody is. However, between the two of us, I still feel as though I'm the one that provides more help. I'll be going to talk to other people for help, now, I guess.

The alcoholic asked me whether I had talked to my RA about what actually happened with my toe. I told her the truth, saying that I had talked to our RA and that I had told her the truth. I also told her that I didn't have anything to do with her receiving this letter of reprimand; I had told my RA that sure, I wasn't very happy about it, but I didn't hold it against her.

So today, the true feelings came out, and she basically told me to stay away from her while she's drunk. Overall, though, I learned otherwise. I was writing on my RA's whiteboard when I hear Ms. Alcoholic literally screaming about this a friend's room down the hall. I was in the middle of the hallway, and I could hear her loud and clear when she was at the other end of the hall. From what I've heard, she doesn't want to have anything to do with me. Looking deeper into it, I doubt that this mutual friend will take my side, even though she looks down on drinking.

I don't even remember where I was headed with this. There are other more minute events that are kind of related, but I basically just wanted to get the point across that I was a "convenience-friend."



I've thought about approaching the alcoholic about this later, after she's calmed down. I want to try to talk to her like mature adults trying to work through a conflict. Lord knows that after living with a sister (we fought/still fight like wild animals), it's time for a mature way to talk to each other about this.

Tonight, I took a chemistry II test, then came back to the dorms. On my way back to my room, the alcoholic's door was open, and I asked her how it went. In response I got a "it went fine." And that's it. She's playing the 'I'm-not-talking-to-you' game. (I know for a fact that it did not go fine; everybody I've talked to has been not fine) On another note...

Something tells me, though, that because she drinks AT LEAST three times a week and that she screams at other people to solve her problems, I'm not going to get any sort of a mature conversation or conflict resolution out of her.


My moral of the story:
I'm not the victim. I might have made myself out to be for a while, but I'm not now. However, I'm not on the other end of the spectrum, either. I did not bring this self-destructive behavior reprimand upon her. Sure, I told the RA what happened. I also told her that I didn't hold it against her (ms. alcoholic). I was still in shock, and my body was visibly shaking. She put me into shock, I wasn't going to lie to protect her.

Getting black-out drunk was not my idea. I don't condone underage drinking in college, but nor am I against it. However, I am against the idea of unsafe consumption, by anybody.

My underlying actual moral of the story:

Dear Ms. Drunken Fool(ette),

You brought this upon yourself by choosing to not drink responsibly. You chose to get black-out drunk, so now you have to deal with the consequences. I'm sorry that this is the first time that you're not able to get out of taking the blame for something that you've done. I'm sorry that you're spoiled enough to where you haven't learned to take care of yourself. Above all else, though, I'm sorry that I ever thought that I meant something to you, that I was important to somebody. Don't worry about it, though. For me, life goes on, just as it always has. Maybe someday, you'll be able to move on, too.

Good luck with that,

Kauf

p.s. on a slightly related note: